An Actual Conversation With Someone From A Credit Card Company About Cheese Sandwiches

(Note:  this ran once already, but I had to talk to the credit card company again yesterday and I had to say the same exact thing.)

My roommate owes a lot of money to credit card companies. So much so that I truly believe that they have entire divisions devoted to just his accounts. How do I know this? Because each company has been calling at least 3 times a day, every single day, for the past 4 months.

So one of the companies, let’s call them First North America Platinum ("We’re Every Place You Don’t Want Us To Be"), calls on Tuesday night and asks for my roommate. I answer the phone (even though I have caller I.D. and usually just let the machine pick up when it’s these people) and I tell them that he is out of town until next Monday (which he is, no lie). They say thank you and hang up.

One hour later, they call again.

So I have the exact same conversation with another person. They thank me.

A half hour later, they call again. I pick up the phone and tell them that I’ve been telling the other people who have called that he’s out of town until next Monday. Could you please put that on his account in the computer? They thank me and tell me that they’ll note the account.

Later that night, guess who calls? I have to go through the whole thing again.

5 minutes later, I’m not kidding, they call again. I let the machine pick up.

The next morning, around 8:30, the phone rings and I see from the display that it’s them again! This has gotten ridiculous, so here’s what happened (and this is an actual transcript, by the way):

Me: Hello?
First North America Platinum: Yes, can I speak with [roommate’s name]?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, he’s turned into a cheese sandwich, can I take a message for him?
FNAP: (awkward silence)
FNAP: (awkward silence)
FNAP: (awkward silence)
Me: Hello?
FNAP: Yes.
Me: Yes.
FNPG: Do you know when the best time to reach him is?
Me: Oh, he’s home, but like I said, he’s a cheese sandwich right now. I’m not really sure when you’ll be able to talk with him. Can I tell him who’s calling?
FNAP: Um…we don’t leave messages.
Me: You don’t leave messages?
Me: How do you expect people to call you back?
FNAP: We just keep calling.
Me: Ah.
FNAP: We’ll try back, um, another time. Thank you.
Me: Cheese sandwich!

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