And now, by popular demand (translation: I screwed up the novel so I want to repost what’s left of it), the original humor piece from 2000 that started all this (and before her fans freak out, this is fictional. Meaning, I didn’t actually send the letter. OK? OK)
July 8, 2000
You don’t know me, but I feel as if I know you. It’s like you’ve been a member of my family for the past 10 years. I love you and I love your TV show. I think my favorite episode was the one where you built that bomb shelter out of tampons, blocks of cheddar cheese, and discarded ice cream containers. You made something that was necessary (in case we get bombed, etc) downright beautiful. And functional!
Martha Stewart, will you marry me? I’m a good thing! I am a good provider. Not that you need “providing for.” I read in USA Today that you became a billionaire when your company went public. But I can help you protect that money. I will give you the most security, affection, and companionship that money can buy. Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a money thing. Sure, Oprah has her own magazine too, but at least you have the good sense not to put yourself on the cover of every issue! (But don’t get me wrong, if you did, I would still buy them…buy them and buy them and collect them all!).
I know, I know, I know…a proposal by letter is so…impersonal. But how can I possibly ask you to marry me face to face? I mean, after all…you’re MARTHA STEWART! I would freeze and stutter. I come across much better in a written letter, where I am free of the usual social things like conversation. I suppose I could have put it on that nice stationary I saw you make one morning (ink that smells like blueberry scones – a nice touch!), but I’m not that good with my hands.
I saw you on Letterman the other night. Were you flirting with him? I think you were! He doesn’t even take you seriously. All he does is make jokes whenever you are trying to create some fancy Halloween decorations or give tips on the best wine to serve with Big Macs. He has a girlfriend, you know, and he’d just use you and throw you away like last week’s Chinet paper plates (oh, by the way, nice use of the Chinet for that manger you made on your last Xmas special). I don’t have time for this Martha. Please stop the head games!
I know you need time to think this over. You have to talk about it with your family, and perhaps even your stockholders and the gentleman who keeps sending me those letters that contain words like “cease and desist” and “lawsuit.”
I await your answer! If I can’t have you, then…then I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself! I will cry myself to sleep! Cry and cry and cry and move far away where no one can find me! Sure, my friends and family can say things to me like “you should find someone your own age,” and “she’s on television, she wouldn’t date you,” and “no, sir, for the last time, we do not sell Martha Stewart blow up dolls,” but I don’t care. Please, Martha, please! I NEED YOUR ANSWER!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!
P.S. What is the best wine to serve with pasta?
July 10, 2000
Ms. Stewart forwarded your letter (dated 8 July) to us. Please note that we will be handling all of Ms. Stewart’s business from now on. Please address all future correspondence to the office below.
We must ask you again to cease and desist your harrassment of Ms. Stewart. This is the third letter we have sent, and it seems you are ignoring them. If you do not stop trying to contact Ms. Stewart by mail, e-mail, phone, or in person, we see no other way to handle the situation than to contact the proper authorities.
Please stop all correspondence with Ms. Stewart. Again, if you do not, we will have no other alternative than to seek immediate legal action. We are very serious about this. We have the resources to make sure you never do this to anyone again.
P.S. We would suggest a Cabernet Sauvignon or a nice Merlot.
Andrew Kensington, Esq.
Kensington, Booth, and DeShayne
2426 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10015