Clarifications And Apologies

In light of all this news about James Frey, I think it’s time to fess up about some things I might have lied about in my past:

  • I never had sex with Jennifer Garner. What I meant to say when I wrote that was "I was alone that night and masturbated."
  • On my resume, where it says "Vice President, Sales Division, General Electric: 1985-90," it should say "Cashier, Wal-Mart."
  • I told everyone that I once had all of my internal organs replaced in a 12 hour operation, without anesthesia, and the doctors were blindfolded and drunk. This never happened.
  • I once brought an apple pie to my brother’s house on Christmas and told everyone I made it. Actually, I bought it at Star Market that morning.

But you’re missing the point! It’s memoir. In my memory I thought I had sex with Jennifer Garner. I believed I was the VP of Sales at General Electric for five years. I felt like I could have made a really delicious apple pie. And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?

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