Oh the weather outside is…

Tonight’s a chili night. Notice that I didn’t say it was a chilly night, though it is indeed a chilly night. But it’s also a chili night (but not, just to make things clear, a Chile night).

We’re supposed to get up to a foot of snow tomorrow. Bitter cold temps, really high winds, coastal flooding, possible blizzard conditions, followed by more cold and ice. The gas station down the street is more crowded with cars than I’ve ever seen it. I have all of the important items you need for a storm: candles, batteries, rock salt, and hot chocolate, so I’m ready. Though I better finish my column before the power goes out.


I really can’t stay (but baby, it’s cold outside)

I’ve got to go away (no, seriously, it’s dangerously cold outside)

This evening has been (Look, state officials are telling people not to go outside for longer than 30 minutes or they might get frostbite, so you should stay. Really, I can drive you home later)

My Mac weather widget says that it’s 4 degrees. Now, I’m someone who actually likes it when it’s extremely cold (much more than when it’s extremely hot), but even I have my limits. Luckily, I’m not a construction worker or a mailman so I can just stay inside and listen to music while drinking a hot beverage.

By the way, what day are we supposed to stop listening to Christmas music? SIRIUSXM has already gotten rid of their holiday channels so if I want to listen to holiday songs I have to use iTunes. But some songs just don’t make any sense (and can even be a little depressing) the day after Christmas. “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town?” He came and went. You’re dreaming of a white Christmas? I hope you got one but there’s no reason to waste time dreaming that anymore. “The Christmas Song?” Nope. I mean, it’s right there in the title. And if you see mommy kissing Santa Claus on December 30 then you may want to consider the possibility that she’s having an affair.

But there are a lot of “Christmas songs” that you can listen to throughout January, because they’re basically “winter” songs that do double duty as Christmas songs: “Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow,” “Sleigh Ride,” “Jingle Bells” (the ability to dash through the snow will be available until March), “Winter Wonderland,” even “Frosty The Snowman,” regardless of his history as a Christmas TV staple. Though I do realize that even these songs have such a strong connection to the holidays that you want to go back to listening to “regular” music when the day is over.

I haven’t even had Christmas yet. Due to family members moving and others being scattered and busy on the 25th, we’re having the official dinner and gift-opening festivities in early 2018. So maybe I can sneak in “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas” in January. There won’t be a tree, but there won’t be a tree in the Grand Hotel or one in the park as well either.

New column up. Happy New Year. And stay warm.

This Christmas

I was dreaming of a white Christmas (just like the ones I used to know), and I didn’t think I was going to get one. It’s been rainy and windy and raw all morning here on the coast but there’s been none of the white stuff that they’re getting inland.

Just looked out the window again. Snowing like hell.

I was hoping to have The Letter in your hands a few days ago but time got away from me. I swear I’ll have them written, stamped, and dropped into a blue box the first week of 2018.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

I Rate Things, Part 3

From 1 to 10…

It’s A Wonderful Life: 10
Gingerbread: 7
Candy canes: 5
Ghirardelli Peppermint Bark: 10
Mashed potatoes: 10
Fruitcake: 2
Turkey: 10
Stuffing: 10
Sweet potatoes: 3
Sweet potatoes with marshmallows or maple: 9
Electronic Christmas cards: 3
Commercials where people give cars as gifts (with red bows on them): 1
Canned cranberry sauce: 8
Miracle on 34th Street (1947): 10
Egg nog: 9
Frosty The Snowman: 6
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside:” 10
Springsteen’s “Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town:” 0

(Part 1, Part 2)

Unpopular Opinions

The Nolan “Batman” movies are overrated, cold pie is better than hot, Larry David isn’t funny, Foo Fighters are better than Nirvana, winter is better than summer, Pizza Hut is better than New York pizza, Shemp was just as funny as Curly, washing dishes by hand is fun, fake Christmas trees are better than real, Robert Redford’s Havana is a masterpiece, 90s SNL was better than 70s SNL, George Lazenby was a fine James Bond, dark beer is gross, Seth MacFarlane is a good singer, and Sam Smith is a terrible one.