Old Ripped Jeans and New Cargo Shorts

That could be a country song.

Shorts season has arrived. I’ve been dreading the warm weather and now it’s here. I’m not a shorts guy. I like cold weather and hot drinks and long pants and jackets and closed windows. But it’s June and this is what I have to put up with, so I went to Target and I bought two new pairs of shorts. They don’t have a huge selection there – I think in general they skew younger – so I had to buy cargo shorts with lots of pockets. I’m not a cargo-shorts-with-lots-of-pockes sort of guy, but I can deal with them for three months.

And these aren’t just pockets. According to the label they’re “TECH POCKETS!” That’s right, these things are so modern and high-tech (they use Velcro) that you can keep things inside beyond your wallet and keys, like your smart phone and iPod. I’m just going to keep my wallet and keys in them, maybe a small notebook. I just hope that I’m not breaking any laws by using low-tech things in my high-tech shorts.

The buying of the shorts came at a good time, actually. My jeans wore out. I don’t think I’ve had this happen to me in years, a big hole opening up at the knee and the rear disintegrating. Are Levi’s not made the same way? I walked around the past week with the knee hole visible and getting bigger, the white shredded threads very obvious. But then I figured, hey, don’t all the cool kids wear jeans with holes in them? I remember there was a time when you could actually buy brand new jeans with the holes already in them, in case you weren’t sure if the jeans would wear out themselves but you still wanted to look hip.

Is wearing jeans with holes in them still a thing, or am I dating myself?

Suddenly it was an episode of Dr. Phil

At the supermarket this weekend:

Clerk at register (eyeing a bowl I’m buying): “This is a good size bowl. I bought one this size for my son for his cereal.”

Me: “I bought it for ice cream. Nothing healthy.”

Clerk (not laughing at my line): “This is just like the bowl I took with me when I escaped my abusive father.”

As people on the web say a lot…that escalated quickly.

I need to write a book titled Strange Things Always Happen To Me At The Supermarket. Because strange things always happen to me at the supermarket.

Specimen

At the hospital lab, waiting to have my blood drawn. Big guy comes out of the bathroom with his sample. He stands in front of the nurse’s station. There’s a tray right in front of him where you’re supposed to put the little cups when you’re done, but he’s just standing there holding it. The nurse comes out and the guy says to her, “I hope this is enough!” She says that it’s fine and he can just put it on the tray.

I wonder if he really wanted to say to her, “If you want, I can make more you know!”

We know. We know.

I’m working on The Letter right now. It’s coming soon. I know I’ve promised this approximately three other times but several different things have conspired against me. Expect it the first week of June.

Have a great weekend and Memorial Day (and read my new piece at Esquire if you haven’t yet).

Random Thoughts

It’s starting to get warmer. The screen door is going in, the windows will soon be opened, the birds will be singing and I’ll be wearing shorts. God I hate it.

We don’t have to agree on everything, but can we at least agree to stop using the word “webinar?”

If you’re talking about something that happened in 2004, you can’t use the phrase “back in the day.”

Sleepy Hollow was renewed by Fox today. I still have the second half of last season on my DVR but now I’m not going to watch it, considering what they did in the season finale. Why would any fans watch it next season?

It always surprises me that people are surprised when they find out that Twitter isn’t a good place for debate.

You know what the world doesn’t need and probably don’t even really exist? Social media experts.

“We don’t want to speculate…” – what news anchors on cable news say right before they speculate

Sometimes I wonder if I don’t like new bands because I”m getting old, then I realize that it’s because I have good taste in music.

The world can be divided into two groups of people: those who still wear watches and those who use their phones to tell time.

Have a great weekend!

The Case of the Mysterious Nut

It’s not up there with a Sherlock Holmes or Perry Mason mystery, but it’s still¬†baffling.

I often use a one of those lapdesk things, the ones with the bean bag bottom and plastic top you set your laptop on when you’re typing on your lap – even when I’m using my Macbook on the coffee table (it raises it up a bit). The other day I got the lapdesk and placed it on the coffee table, and then I placed my Macbook on top of it. Suddenly, a nut (of the “nuts and bolts” variety, not pistachio or macadamia) falls out of the…well, I don’t know where from…hits the table and rolls on to the floor. That’s the mystery. It either came from my computer or from the lapdesk. But that’s pretty much impossible. This was a rather big nut, black and around the size of a dime, and I can’t see how it could have come from either of those things. It’s like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and all of a sudden a nail falls out of it. Sure, they might both exist in your home but it still doesn’t make any sense that they’d be together.

One idea I had was that maybe it came from the area where I store the lapdesk and computer. But it just…can’t. There’s nothing in that area like that, I do this same routine every single day, and the last time I had a nut in my hand was many years ago (please get your mind out of the gutter).

New column up, if you haven’t read it yet. By sheer coincidence, I talk about Peanuts.